Brandie Weikle Opinion
April 30, 2020
Mom of three Sharon Colwell is "beyond exhausted" with pandemic life.
From her dining room table, she's working 10-hour days in her job for PACE Independent Living, a non-profit organization - and essential service - that supports adults with permanent physical disabilities and brain injuries.
"Some of our clients receive care 24-7. I'm not a front-line worker, but I am one of the people in the shadows helping to keep our organization running as smoothly as possible."
She's also a single parent with sole custody of Jake, 14, Nate, 11, and Mac, 8, who attend three different schools.
Colwell and her boys live in a Toronto condo, and the dining room table is their shared workspace.
"While my kids have me at home, they are not my focus. It's a hard thing to juggle," she said. "It feels horrible when I have to shoo them out of the room when I'm on a conference call."
She tries to keep things light with the kids, but as the weeks wear on, "we're all getting a little short-tempered."
Sometimes Colwell reaches a breaking point trying to cajole the kids through school work and minor household tasks.
"I have had several moments like that. I had one just the other day trying to almost implore the children to please understand that this is very challenging and when I'm asking for help it's not for no reason. I burst into tears and got up from my desk at the dining table and went into my room."
Colwell has plenty of company in that boat, including me.
On a particularly challenging day last week, I found my anxiety rising after cajoling a teen to get out of bed and both kids to get on with school work. Meanwhile, from my work station at the dining room table, I had a clear view of a kitchen counter where dishes were piling up higher as the day progressed with their seemingly endless meals and snacks.
I'd managed to juggle preparations for a pretty decent dinner with a hectic work day, but things went south during a conversation about adding structure - and more chores - to their days. I hit a moment of feeling totally unappreciated and defeated that ended with me leaving the table to cry in my bedroom.
The next day, we reset and stay-at-home life felt a little more manageable. So goes the roller-coaster of emotions that is our present reality.
Of course we know we're incredibly fortunate simply to be home with healthy family members. Even doubly so if we still have steady employment. Compared to countless others who are out of work or who must put themselves at risk to do their jobs - even to keep their jobs - we've got it good.
But it's also possible to be tremendously grateful while also yearning for the routine and support that school brought. And for a life where the kids could have play dates and going to the grocery store wasn't fraught with peril.
Toronto mom of three Seanna Thomas said she hasn't been able to work in days.
"Patience wears thin and online schooling is taking years off my life," said Thomas, whose kids are 10, 9 and 8. "Of course I'm grateful for being healthy and togetherness, but that doesn't mean it's all butterflies and rainbows."
Edward Griffith is an educator who runs a tutoring business as well as an afterschool homework club. But even with all those qualifications, he's still struggling to home-school Noah, 8, and Amelia, 5.
Dividing his time between the two kids is a challenge. "For the last week I've felt in this caught-in-the-middle trap where I don't know how to fulfil either of their needs," said Griffith, adding that he finds himself berating himself with thoughts like, "I've got an education background; how come I can't figure this out?"
Griffith said he knows the schools are keeping expectations loose, and that his kids are young enough that they'll be able to catch up quite quickly when schools are open again.
"But at the same time I think we've got to be doing something with our days," said the Toronto dad. "I want to keep some sort of structure to their days throughout this whole mess. This past week it's just been very high anxiety for me. Just because I feel like I'm starting to feel helpless in this situation."
Family counsellor and parenting author Alyson Schafer said all those feelings are valid. Many parents are being too hard on themselves about how they're handling the incredible workload of life with no child care or school.
"We need to give ourselves a bit of slack, a real permission slip to have bad days," said Schafer, who is also host of the new podcast Parenting the Adlerian Way. When we lose our cool with our kids, "remember that it can be recovered." She recommends coming back to our kids when jets have cooled to say something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I think we're all feeling frustrated by this situation and I boiled over there."
Those moments are also telltale times for noticing that we may need more self-care, said Schafer.
Sometimes that looks like zoning out in front of Netflix or crying in the shower so the kids can't hear. But ideally it would take the shape of something healthier like going for a walk, drawing, doing a jigsaw puzzle - whatever brings pleasure and lets you stay ahead of breakdown most of the time.
It's also good to remember that we're all missing key parts of the village we need to raise our children with no teachers, scout leaders and grandparents in the mix.
"It's not that you're failing, it's that it was never meant to work this way. If you have a kitchen scale that goes up to three pounds and you put a MAC truck on it, that's not what it was designed for."
Twitter: @bweikle
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Edward Griffith is an educator who runs a tutoring business and homework club. But even with all those qualifications, he's still struggling to home-school Amelia, 5, and Noah, 8. Tamara Robbins Griffith
This article was written by Brandie Weikle Opinion from The Toronto Star and was legally licensed by AdvisorStream through the NewsCred publisher network.
