Why 'Should' Is Not Good For You

Summary. If your brain cascades into a series of “I shoulds,” leaving you too overwhelmed to initiate any items on your to-do list, know that you’re not alone. The word “should” implies that you have an obligation to complete an action and that there will be a consequence if you fail to do so. Sometimes this may be true, but it’s ultimately demotivating. Research shows that we’re more likely to be productive when we find work meaningful — not when we are driven by a fear of punishment.

How many times a day do you think or say the words “I should”? How often do those words result in your taking immediate action? My guess is that the odds are 50/50. Every once in a while, you might clean out your email inbox or finish your presentation by Friday at 5 pm. Other times, you probably sigh and feel a vague sense of mourning for all the things you’re not actually going to get done. Worse is when your brain cascades into a series of “I shoulds,” leaving you too overwhelmed to initiate any items on your to-do list.

I should take on that stretch project.

I should have coffee with that senior colleague.

I should read that article everyone on my team is talking about.

When your brain uses the word “should” — a word used that signals obligation, duty, or correctness, particularly when criticizing an action — it’s taking information from what it believes to be an authoritative source and telling you how you can be better. The problem is that “should” is a terrible authority figure.

The word “should” by definition implies that you have an obligation to complete an action. It also implies there will be a consequence if you fail to do so. Sometimes this may be true, but it’s ultimately demotivating. Research shows that we’re more likely to be productive when we find work meaningful, not when we’re driven by a fear of punishment. What’s more, we often don’t question the driver behind the “should,” which could come from many different places. It could be a literal authority figure, like your boss. It could also be a social norm or an age-old ideal, such as “Say yes to everything.”

While “should” statements are not bad by nature, most of them fail to inspire us and result in negative emotions. When we fail to enact them, we feel guilty or resentful towards the person or idea pressuring us. This can lead to increased stress, tense relationships, and decreased productivity — especially for people who are newly navigating the workforce.

When you’re the new person on the team, it’s very easy to get caught in the negative thought patterns “should” statements initiate. (I should say “yes” to every task my boss gives me. I should speak up more in meetings. I should network with as many people as possible.) Sometimes these statements may even contradict each other (I should avoid burnout. I should work extra hours to prove my loyalty to the team.)

When “shoulds” begin to contradict one another, or become unattainable, you’re left with all those negative emotions, plus a sense of unfulfilled obligations, leading to even more stress and potentially burnout.

So, what’s the solution?

SHIFTING THE “SHOULD” MINDSET

We know that “should” triggers a sense of obligation in our brains. To shift our mindsets, we need to rewire that trigger from one of obligation to one of consideration. When the words “I should” pop into your mind, practice immediately asking yourself the following sequence of questions:

1. Where did I get the idea that I should do this?
2. Do I want that source to be authoritative at work or in my life?
3. Does it match up with my values and priorities at work or in my life?
4. Does it make sense in this season of my career to focus on this particular obligation?
5. Is adding this to my day/year reasonable, considering how much I have on my plate?

Let’s say we’re subjecting the statement “I should be getting more done at work” to the above sequence. There are many potential answers to question #1 above that could impact the end result. For instance, is your boss asking you to put in more effort, or is this “should” driven by watching a colleague shoot out several emails over the weekend? Once you ask question #2, you may recognize that your colleague’s actions don’t need to impact your own work-life balance. But if you’re consistently missing deadlines, or if the driver is feedback from your manager, there may be good reason to follow through with this statement.

For the obligations you choose to keep, consider actively relabeling them in your mind as “I will,” and create a feasible plan to execute each action. Now the soundtrack running in your brain is no longer one of self-defeating accusation (“I should”), but one that represents your sense of agency. Not only do you have the power to do something about it, but you’re also going to, and that is likely to make you feel good.

There may also be more nuanced cases. For example, you may feel that you “should” get more work done because you’re hoping to get a promotion, but you’ve determined that this season of your life — when you’re chasing a toddler around the house or juggling a job and a master’s degree — isn’t the ideal time for upward mobility. If both things are critically important to you at this time, it may make sense to evaluate whether you can redistribute responsibilities with a partner or change the way you spend your time. The key to making the most of your time is intentionality — work is intentional, time with friends is intentional, time with children is intentional, and rest is intentional — a lack of which can lead us into overwork or time sucks.

For the obligations you choose to release, it’s important to relabel those as well. Usher them into a new category that better serves you — a “no” statement. Writing down or speaking your “no statement” aloud will solidify your reasoning in your brain, and slow down your racing thoughts.

For instance, if the obligation violates your values in some way, such as doing something just to please another person or as a result of peer pressure, write down the action and why you aren’t doing it: “No, I’m not going to grab drinks with colleagues after work, because it drains me, and there are other ways for me to make meaningful connections.” This new statement will capture your intention in a clear way and make you less likely to relapse back into the “should” later. You’re no longer uncertain. You’ve made a decision about the topic.

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Your deepest-held values and priorities can be authority figures in your life. You can let “should” statements go. In the end, they are poor motivators based on shoddy logic, and more likely to cause you unfounded guilt than result in meaningful action. The next time you think you “should,” tell that “should” what you will or will not do, and why.

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Amanda Reill is an executive coach and the Director of Executive Storytelling for Massive Alliance, a media technology company building executives into industry thought leaders. She is a regular contributor to Entrepreneur Magazine, Strixus Magazine, and other mainstream publications.